Siblings
The Children Who Sometimes Get Lost in the Raindrops
By Judy Colville, MSW-Stadtlanders Social Worker
The needs of children with chronic conditions can be as plentiful and as diverse as water drops falling during a summer rain. In the middle of this rainfall of needs, though, it can be easy to lose sight of the other youngsters in the family.
Siblings of children with chronic conditions may experience a mixture of emotions. This mixture may include resentment, guilt, jealousy, embarrassment, and grief-as well as strength, pride, and love.
The family itself is often in turmoil and may be unable to offer enough attention and support when the well child needs it most. There can be increasing financial difficulties. The parents are often absent form the home to be with the sick child. Other care-givers may not be equipped to offer the needed parental understanding. Because of the intense focus on the sick child, a sibling may feel that he’s lost his parents attention.
And this child may be grieving over the loss or lack of a “normal” family life. These feelings related to loss and grief are often difficult for siblings to recognize and understand. The parents are not able to make the sick child well, but they can try to smooth the course for the family. I know parents who, realizing vacations would be difficult with their disabled daughter, bought a boat so that the family could still get away together.
It is important for the parents to be in tune with their own feelings as well as those of the siblings and to be creative in finding ways to address the needs of the entire family during these stressful times. There are no magic solutions, but there are some suggestions for parents.
- Discuss the illness with the siblings and give them as much information as they are able to understand or want to know.
- Acknowledge the challenge of the situation for the patient, parents, and siblings.
- Let them know that your door is open to them for future questions or concerns-including the negative feelings.
- Include siblings in the care of the sick child, being careful to assess the ability of the child to accomplish the task.
- Applaud efforts of siblings as meaningful and helpful.
- Set limits for both the sick child and well siblings; it is important to equalize the “family rules.”
- Recognize the need for adolescents, regardless of their health, to pursue and gain appropriate independence.
- Make a special effort to give time and attention to each sibling. These private moments can be very meaningful.
- Take advantage of groups, summer camps or caretakers to provide a respite for the child and family living with an illness.
- Remember that children often model their coping skills on their parents’ behavior. If you are having a difficult time dealing with the illness of your child, talk to a counselor, social worker, minister, or friend to address your own struggles. The better you are able to cope with the situation, the better your children will, too.
- Hug your children-all of them.
- Ask them for a hug when you need one.
While living with the chronic disease of a child in the family may be difficult, there are often surprising benefits. The experience may broaden, and sensitize the family tremendously.
There is a great comfort for the well siblings to have the assurance that when someone in their family needs care, like the sick child, it is there. They witness the strength of the family overcoming obstacles – and can feel they have played an important part in the victory. The unwelcome and uninvited rain often brings unexpected growth and beauty.